So, here I am, one and a half year after the biggest break up of my life. I lost it completely 1 1/2 years ago when she left me for another guy, whereas 3 weeks before she was telling me she would die for me. I really lost it that time. Never happened to me before. After each brake up I was cold as ice and took it easy. Gone party same night.
Thought she is different. She was damn jealous, what made me believe she is faithful as well. Because I was. Did not even talk to other girls to not hurt her feelings. Gonne full AFC mode that time. Her last boyfriend left her for another girl and she became multiple sclerosis due to that stress. You can imagine, hurting her feelings would just add more health problems. So I was faithful and honest all the time. Took me over one year to overcome the pain.
Fast forward to two weeks ago. I never was a PUA and never approached girls in my life. Too much AA. Girls came to me most of the time. Wich mostly ended up in relationships I did not really want. Like with my ex.
Last summer, after the brake up, I decided to approach girls. Even though I have social anxiety and horrible fear of rejection. And it worked couple of times. I get numbers. We met etc. Nothing big.
3 weeks ago I came to Thailand. New Year started fantastic for me. January 1st I approached the girl of my dreams. My 10/10. I thought worst case scenario she says "fuck you". Walked to her. Asked for her number. And she sayed fuck you. But I did not give up. And there were signals that she is interested. Took me 30 minutes to get her number. Same day we gonne eat. 2nd date I made lots of Kino. 3rd date kissed her. 4th date making out. 5th date sex. Ever since we had sex 3 times a day. It was great. She is 23. She has a fantastic slim body with just 45kg and a nice face.
And then it happened again. She acts the same way as my ex. She is very jealous. I was dating another girl before her, wich I gave up to not lose her. Because the other girl one was after money anyway and was just to be not alone. So no big deal.
Yeah and I started to get emotional again. I hate this about me. Things were going good. Great Sex etc. I made a deal with myself. Honestly, she is too hot to be only with me. So I said to myself "ok, she might date other guys. But dont give a fuck and enjoy the time and sex with her. Make no drama, dont get feelings for her". After my ex, I decided to say "me first". If I hurt her, I dont give a fuck. Before, I was putting others over me.
Looks like my decision was bullshit. I am not able to hurt her. And I messed it up again yesterday. Before we had sex, she told me she dont like foreigners and never dated one before. Also she had just 2 Thai boyfriends in her life, wich only with one of them she had sex with. And only 2 times. She had no sex for 1+ year. I believed her because the first 3 days she had lots of pain during sex. Yeah guess what, had the same story with my ex. Played like she is a virgin but then fucked like a pornstar. But with her, I could swear she dont play and have not much experience in sex. She dont even take my dick in the mouth and cant even give a handjob. She rub it like she is hammering a nail.
But yesterday I saw she takes birth control pills. And I lost it a little bit instead of not giving a fuck. Today was okish again. I try to switch my mind and try to see it as a long term holiday fuck experience.
She told me she take them because she gets no period without them and blah. She said ask my doctor etc. Might be true, might be not.
The problem is, I cant seperate my feelings. I cant have proper sex with her anymore. It gives me no more joy.
And I start hating myself again because I fell in the same old afc patterns again. I mean I am in Thailand. I could fuck her and have 2-3 other things running. But this fucked up afc in me always wants to be honest and faithful to only one girl. And not hurt her feelings. If I fuck another girl, I would feel guilty when fucking with her. Whereas she might fuck another guy just right now.
What's wrong with me? Is that normal? How can I seperate my feelings and enjoy the time with her? Have sex etc.
Oh and I know that Thai girls have not the best reputation when it comes to honesty and faith. Yet I thought she is a little different. She is muslim (like me). She studied. Works now. Never asked for money.